This post is going to be a bit of a brain dump I'm afraid so I apologies for anyone who won't want to read this...it's ok I understand!
I feel lost...I feel stuck...and I feel scared. My masters will be finished in September and as much as I have loved it, I find myself feeling exactly the same as I did when I graduated from my degree, lost, underprepared and confused about which way I want to take me career! Now, I know there are far worse things going on in the world and to some people this will seem very much like a #firstworldproblem but I thought completing a masters would help clarify these feelings and make it easier to decide which direction I wanted to go in, it has not! If anything I feel more bewildered then I was before!
I went to Blogtacular in London on Saturday which was a great event. There where really inspirational speakers and I met some amazing fellow bloggers but this event has seemed to make my feelings of limbo and disorientation worse. By the end of the day I had unbelievable urges to work for myself. I've always wanted to become my own boss and I've always thought that one day I would, but now the thought of working behind desk doing CAD work terrifies me, and this longing to start up a business is getting stronger. I know that in the Interior Design industry, as well as many other creative industries, CAD skills are very important but I'm going to be honest and say I don't like CAD, I don't like learning CAD and I don't like creating visuals in CAD...Controversial I know, but I don't and I originally thought it was because my CAD skills were practically non existent, so I really struggled every time I open up my program. Over this year my CAD skills have improved greatly and continue to improve which has allowed me to realise that I just don't like it, skills or no skills.
I want to be surrounded by fabric and wallpaper, making mood boards and talking to clients and selling pieces that I am truly passionate about and absolutely love, rather then just because I'm told to. I want to be able to bring my dogs to work and have them sit by my feet all day. I want to be responsible for projects and designs not just for making the tea. I want to do the buying so I can create a hand picked selection of goodies for my clients to buy. I want to bring my freedom to create back into my life that I have somehow lost.
I don't like this feeling of limbo, this feeling of weakness because I'm not 100% certain which way I want to go! I feel like I'm letting my parents and grandparents down, my boyfriend down and myself...I feel like I'm letting myself down. My drive to get uni work done has vanished and that terrifies me, my determination spark has dwindled and I can feel my love for what I do turning into a chore. At 24 this is not a good feeling!
My most frequently asked question at the moment is "what are your plans for after uni?", or "any jobs lined up yet?" and I usually give some half hearted response..."well, I'm not quite sure yet", or "I'm not really thinking about jobs yet" and to be honest, thats a lie! I'm sorry to anyone who is reading this who has revived one of those responses, or something similar, but the truth is I have no freaking idea what I'm going to do come September, a mere 3 months away...3 MONTHS!!!!!
I am writing this post partly to help unload my thoughts in an attempt to clear my head, but also as a small cry for guidance...has anyone else ever felt this way or is it just me?
I promise my next post won't sound so deflating!